To Where You Are
by silentxsymphony
Summary: Christian is struggling with Satine's death. Rated R for adult subject matter and some sensuality


**To Where You Are  
  
_With my back flat against the mattress, I look up into Satine's beautiful blue eyes.  She stands beside the bed in my humble garret, hovering just above me.  The lips that I need to feel all over me curve into a smile as she slowly removes the straps of her risqué nightgown.  The fabric slides over her body until it pools at her feet._**

_She can't suppress a giggle when I swallow deeply and my eyes grow so wide, she can see the night sky reflected in them.  She sits on the edge of the mattress and we take a moment just to look at each other, not fully believing that we're lucky enough to have one another.  _

_I reach up and touch her face and her skin feels like velvet against my fingertips.  She closes her eyes and leans into my touch and I can only pray that I make her happy.  She takes that moment, when I am so open and vulnerable to her, to straddle my hips and give a quick roll of hers so that my back arches up and I feel only her._

_"I love you, Christian," she whispers and I feel my eyelashes spike with tears.  I suddenly think myself foolish for such a surge of emotion and my cheeks flush with embarrassment.  But then I gaze up into Satine's eyes and see only love as she nuzzles my face.  I gently beckon her lips to mine and in that kiss, we both feel a spark of electricity that sends us into a frenzy of desire._

_With her lips still on mine, we turn over so that she's beneath me and I get a feeling of satisfaction that she is mine and I can protect her.  She spreads her legs for me so that I can feel her, damp and hot with anticipation.  _

_Checking her face for approval, she nods and I slide into her.  We both gasp at all the sensations running through us.  We have made love a thousand times but each union is more breathtaking than the last.  I bury myself inside her so as to ease the aching in my groin and she meets each of my thrusts with a buck of her hips that makes me choke out her name again and again._

_I can feel us both headed towards the brink and she wraps her legs around me and clenches around my arousal.  My head is spinning and all I can think is that I wish every moment of eternity could be spent in my angel's arms.  _

_"Oh, oh God…Satine…"_

"Satine!"  Christian cries, sitting up straight in the rigid chair in front of his desk.  He has fallen asleep again, having exhausted himself from tears and trying in vain to write their story.  The ache from his dream is still with him now and he tries unsuccessfully to ignore it.  Moaning and thoroughly irritated with himself, he hobbles to the adjoining room that is more a closet than a bathroom.

Feeling like a mere adolescent, he unzips his pants and tentatively reaches down until he can feel stiff, heated flesh.  A strangled cry escapes his lips as he firmly grasps himself and begins to rub up and down the length of his erection.  

With harsh strokes, he works to bring release.  He begins to sob in anguish.  It isn't enough that Satine was taken away from him, but he has to live with her memory every day, knowing that no matter how much pain he's in, it will never go away…not without her.

Almost violently he massages his groin now, the throbbing making him even more aggravated that he has such little self control.  Finally, with a whimper of completion, he comes and falls against the cold tile wall, having worn himself out.

He zips and buttons his trousers with trembling fingers and decides he will clean the mess he has made later.  Crying, he sinks to the floor, not knowing what else to do with himself.  

Christian was a broken shell of a man without Satine.

He hugs his knees to his chest and closes his eyes, trying to imagine when he could live without Satine.  But it seems so far away now that it can hardly even register, especially not now in his miserable, sleep deprived mind.  

Slowly rocking, he does the one thing that gives any comfort anymore and begins to whisper, his voice too raw from crying to sing.  

_Who can say for certain   
Maybe you're still here   
I feel you all around me   
Your memories so clear   
Even in his most poignant poetry, he wouldn't be able to describe the kind of sorrow he feels.  Satine's memory is still far too alive within him just to forget.  Sometimes he wished he could take the easy way out, put himself out of his misery, but when the moment came, he was too frightened to go through with it.  _

_Deep in the stillness   
I can hear you speak   
You're still an inspiration   
Can it be  
That you are mine   
Forever love   
And you are watching over me from up above…_

Startled, Christian stops his tears and wonders what Satine must be thinking, seeing him like this.  Whimpering and sniveling on the floor like a wounded dog.  He suddenly feels utter contempt with himself and rubs his puffy eyes.  He stands up and walks back into his bedroom, with his head held a little bit higher.  If Satine could see him, he doesn't want her to see him like_ that.  Oh, but would it be wonderful to touch her, feel her, just for a moment…   __   
__Fly me up to where you are   
Beyond the distant star   
I wish upon tonight   
To see you smile   
If only for awhile to know you're there   
A breath away's not far   
To where you are  
All he ever wanted was to please her and now he can only hope that she is in a better place.  A place where that wretched cough won't tear at her lungs and bury her spirit.  Maybe she is happier now, but the thought of her being happier without him breaks his heart as another sob bubbles forth.  "I must pull myself together," he thinks furiously.        
__Are you gently sleeping   
Here inside my dream   
And isn't faith believing   
All power can't be seen   
He begins to walk around his humble abode and is immediately haunted by all of her lingering memories.  He touches the papers containing poetry inspired by her that litter his desk.  He sees the robe that she so often wore while with him.  She is still everywhere, except with him.___

_As my heart holds you   
Just one beat away   
I cherish all you gave me everyday   
'Cause you are mine   
Forever love   
Watching me from up above _

Just then, something catches his eye.  It's just a simple white sheet, yet his most vivid memory of her.  He takes it from his bed and hugs it close, breathing in her subtle, fragrant smell.  With a bitter laugh he remembers when Toulouse had tried to wash the sheets and he nearly bit his friend's head off.  He had taken his pain out on the ones that he still had and he knew that wasn't fair, he would apologize…one day.     
_And I believe   
That angels breathe   
And that love will live on and never leave   
Christian needs something, __anything to give him comfort against this constant tugging at his chest.  He sets the sheet down as if it is made of gold and takes off his shirt that he had buttoned lopsidedly when Toulouse had insisted he get dressed.  Throwing the garment on the floor, he wraps the sheet all around his body.  It's cool at first and then turns warm and the soft cotton caresses his skin._

He moves to the window of his garret and opens it, a blast of cold air coming in.  It almost shocks him when the fresh night air hits his lungs; he hasn't been outside in weeks.  He straddles the windowsill and remembers when he and Satine did the same thing.  The wood is splintered and the street below is gray, but the memory clouds his vision so that he only sees their sanctuary.  

_Fly me up   
To where you are   
Beyond the distant star   
I wish upon tonight   
To see you smile   
If only for awhile   
To know you're there   
A breath away's not far   
To where you are _

Wearing the sheet and a pair of wrinkled slacks, Christian stares into the sky and notices the stars sparkling like the diamonds that shone in her eyes.  His sobs have stopped and now there are only silent tears pooling in his stormy eyes and falling in rivers down his face.  The night sky shimmers in those tears.  

Nestling himself as deep as he can in his blanket of warmth he thinks that maybe, if he is lucky, and lives out the destiny he is intended, he will be able to see her again. 

But until then, he is satisfied by taking a deep breath and finding the strength to sing the way he used to sing to her, praying that perhaps she can hear him on her faraway star.  
_I know you're there   
A breath away's not far   
To where you are_

Song used: Josh Groban – "To Where You Are"


End file.
